Uleria's New Toy

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Created On 6 June 1999
Last Updated On 6 June 1999
Copyright (c) Simon E. Phipp 1999

When the World was Bad and everyone shook in their beds, Eurmal was up to his old tricks. He had taught men and women how to enjoy each other and was busy practising himself. He seduced many of the women of Orlanth's Household including Heler's wife. Enraged by this, even though he had himself seduced Ernalda, Orlanth's wife, Heler complained to Orlanth and suggested that Eurmal was acting like Ragnaglar. Orlanth grabbed Eurmal by the scruff of the neck and shook him in the air, saying that if he so much as looked at a woman until Orlanth said it was all right, Orlanth would blast Eurmal's weapon with a Thunderbolt.

Uleria, whom Eurmal had tried to seduce many times but failed, heard this and decided to have some fun. She dressed in her finest clothes and walked by Eurmal, who tried to ignore her but changed the way he was standing. Uleria then started to remove her clothing, very slowly, and smiled at Eurmal who had to use a sporran to hide his embarrassment. When Uleria removed all her clothes and started to show Eurmal what he was missing, those who looked on thought that Eurmal was holding a pink spear which almost took his eye out. Finally, Uleria used the rest of her charms and Eurmal would have been lost except that Orlanth called to him to attend. Eurmal could not see the Storm God in his condition, especially after Orlanth's threat, and because he could not easily walk, he snapped off the pink spear and threw it to Uleria with a laugh. Uleria took the spear and, deprived of his company and starting to itch, used it for her own pleasure.

Orlanth and Eurmal went into the Underworld in search of the Treasures of the Earth. The First Guardian they met was Warm Earth, a goddess of licentious behaviour who took men and drained them of their vitality until they were mere husks. Orlanth saw her beauty and was entranced for she reminded him of his beloved Ernalda, but Eurmal stepped between them and took all her wanton charms. Eurmal was unmoved and Warm Earth stepped aside, saying that it would be easier to raise the dead than stir feelings in Eurmal's trews. Uleria, however, screamed so loudly that a couple of Stars fell from the Sky in surprise and came to see what she was doing.

Next came Cold Earth whose grip was the Grave. However, Orlanth had taught his followers to spread their souls on the Winds from their funeral pyres and had no fear of the Grave's cold embrace, so he passed the demon with no trouble.

Finally came Silent Earth who guarded the courts of Ty Kora Tek and threatened to overwhelm the two gods, but Eurmal heard, in the far, far distance, Uleria's screams of pleasure which had only just carried to where he was, and heard her crying his name over and over again. This broke the Silence and allowed the two Gods to pass.

They broke into Ty Kora Tek's Court and saw the dread souls which stood in Silence. Suddenly afraid they turned and fled, Eurmal only stopping to grab a stone sceptre and a head-dress of fruit, Orlanth also stopped and grabbed a handful of jewels. As they fled, they were chased by the demons of the Underworld, led by Babeester Gor and Gorgorma. As they drew closer, Eurmal looked back and threw some of the fruit on the ground. Some of the demons stopped to pick up the fruit and let Eurmal go. Again and again this happened until Eurmal ran out of fruit. In desperation he grabbed at Orlanth's Jewels and threw them back, causing Babeester Gor to stumble and fall. However, dread Gorgorma reached out and caught Eurmal by the heel, drawing him towards her second mouth, but to her astonishment he had nothing to give her except the stone sceptre which blunted her dread teeth. Eurmal pulled it out and knocked her to the ground as Orlanth grabbed him and pulled him free. The pair then ran from the Underworld and returned to Orlanth's Halls.

Eurmal saw Uleria and demanded the return of his spear, but she refused saying that it had given her much pleasure. "But look," said Eurmal "how soft it is now, surely you would prefer this sceptre - it will always be hard." They exchanged gifts and were friendly afterwards.


This is the source of Eurmal's Remove Penis spell in Saird and surrounding areas.

It is also a HeroQuest Tale and allows Eurmal to resist the wiles of Earth Temptresses and Gorgorma Questors. Some Eurmali use the Quest to provide magical dildoes for Uleria Priestesses, some with exotic powers and some made from stone, wood, crystal or metal. As an escape from the Underworld this can be substituted where Questors are in peril in other places, although being caught by Gorgorma when whole can be a very nasty experience indeed.