Yelmalion Jokes



Send comments and/or criticism to Simon E. Phipp
Created On 21 June 1999
Last Updated On 21 June 1999
Copyright (c) Simon E. Phipp 1999

See Also
The History Of Yelmalio
The Evolution of Yelmalio
The Forest Sun
The Mountain Sun
The Ostrich Rider

There are many jokes at the expense of particular races or cultures. Most of them can be tailored to poke fun at Yelmalions. Some of these may have been heard before as they are as old as the hills, but never mind - old jokes never die, Des OíConnor sees to that!

Here is a selection:

Clean Jokes

Only Sun Cultists are stupid enough to walk around with a target painted on their chests.

Why do Sun County men have beards? So you can tell the women apart.(1)

An Orlanthi in Pavis was a bit short of money and really fancied a holiday, so he was pleased to see an advert for "Cheap Luxury Cruises - apply Griselda Tour Company". He went to see them, parted with his 20L and was promptly hit on the head. He woke up in an open boat floating off Corflu with a Yelmalion from Sun County and a few other people. The boat had just enough food and water to last them two weeks and they were constantly in danger of floating out of sight of shore and invoking the Closing. Eventually, after all the food and water ran out they were rescued by a fishermanís boat from Corflu. As they were being dragged back to shore, the Orlanthi started complaining and saying that he was going to ask for his money back. "Yeah," said the Yelmalion, "at least last year they cast Open Seas for us!".

How long does it take for a Sun County man to change his underwear?
Change? I donít understand.

A Yelmalion patrol was on the border of Sun County when they saw a trollkin running away over the crest of a hill. All the troopers went off after it except one left holding the horses. After a while, none came back, so the trooper rode home and told his captain. 50 Yelmalions returned with the trooper and saw the trollkin running away, so they all chased after him. Once again, nobody came back. The trooper returned to barracks and told the Commander who mobilised his best men commanded by a Light Son. These elite troops returned with the trooper and chased the trollkin over the hill. After a while the Light Son appeared next to the trooper, thanks to Yelmalion Divine Intervention, and gasped "Itís a trap - there are TWO of them!"(2)

A Bad Yelmalion dies and goes to Ikadzí Halls for Re-education. Ikadz himself says that he can choose the nature of his Eternal Punishment. He opens a door which leads onto Valindís Glacier where hundreds of Yelmalions are sitting naked in the snow and ice as Valindís Winds scream around them tormenting them. "No way!" says the Yelmalion. The next door shows hundreds of Yelmalions wearing fur coats, scarves, gloves and good thick socks doing exercises in the middle of Fire Season in Dagaís Empire. "Although Daga is Yelmís son, no way!" says the Yelmalion. The third door shows millions of Yelmalions standing knee deep in raw sewage drinking the finest Kralorelan Tea from the most expensive china cups and eating the finest Dara Happan biscuits. "I could handle this," says the Yelmalion, "after all, I come from Sun County and am used to the smell of raw sewage." Ikadz gives him a cup of tea and some biscuits and leaves him there when a voice cries "Right, tea break over, back on your heads!"

A Yelmalion from Sun County walks into a Pavis bar with a pig under his arm and asks for two beers. "Why are you carrying a pig?" asks the barman.
"Well, this pig once saved my life in battle so I keep it with me as a sign of our blood-brotherhood."
"Well, I never." Said the barman, "What about the smell?"
"Donít worry, I soon got used to that." Says the pig.

A Sartarite was travelling through Sun County when he passed a farm with a pig in the corner with a wooden leg. Intrigued, he asked the farmer about the pig. "Well, I was in the fields yonder on my own when a group of broos were raiding and caught me alone. They were about to ravish me when the pig saw them, broke out of its pen and ran into them, goring and stomping until it killed or drove them all off, saving me from a fate worse than the army."
"So, did one of the broos take itís leg, then?" asked the impressed Sartarite.
"No!" replied the farmer, "But you donít eat a pig like that all at once!"

Not-so-clean Jokes

Why do Yelmalion men consider themselves cleverer than Yelmalion women?
Because most people can count to 10, clever people can count to 20 but clever men can count to 21 AND enjoy doing it!

A Yelmalion goes into a brothel in Pavis and asks what they have for a Lunar. "You must be joking" says the madam, obviously not a Uleria member, "clear off and have a wank." Off the Yelmalion goes but comes back after 10 minutes or so. "Who do I pay?" he asks.

Why is semen white and urine yellow? So Yelmalions can tell if they are coming or going.

What is the definition of a Yelmalion Virgin?
A girl who can run faster than her father.

A Sun County man gets married to a Sun County woman and after the celebrations they retire to the marriage bed. Once they had undressed and embraced the girl asks her new husband to be gentle as it was her first time. In a rage he gets out of bed, gets dressed, says the marriage is over and leaves to return to his parents. When they see him they ask what is wrong and he recounts what had happened. "Too right," says his father, "if sheís not good enough for her own family sheís not good enough for you!"

Another bad Yelmalion dies and goes to Ikadz Halls. Trembling with fear, he approaches Ikadz who takes pity on him. "Donít worry, The Halls of Punishment arenít as bad as people think. For instance, when you were alive did you like drinking?" The Yelmalion confirmed that this was one of the vices that kept him from Yelmalioís Halls. "Well on Water Day everyone drinks from the finest Pelorian Brandies and wines until they feel as though they can burst, but because they are dead they canít have a hangover and donít feel the effects! Did you ever over-eat?" The Yelmalion agreed that Gluttonly was another of his vices. "Well, on Clay Day we all eat a never ending feast of the best foods from all over the Empire and you canít get indigestion as you are dead. Did you ever smoke?" The Yelmalion admitted another of his vices. "On Fire Day we smoke the finest cigars and tobacco and because you are dead it canít hurt you! How about drugs?" Again, the Yelmalion admitted partaking of Hazia and a few specialist Kralorelan powders, feeling a lot better about things. "Well on Gods Day you can partake of any drugs you want and they canít hurt you because you are dead! What about women?" Feeling pleased with himself the Yelmalion agrees that he liked the ladies. "On Clayday you have the pick of any woman in the Halls and theyíll do anything you like, all day long and you canít catch any diseases or make them pregnant! Are you gay?" The Yelmalion said that although he had served in the army that was not one of his habits. "Oh dear, youíll HATE Wildday!"

Why did the Sun County Page Boy leave the army? He didnít like the way he was being reared.

A Light Son was giving one of his Pages a good rogering when the boy looked around and said "Donít you think this is a bit perverted?"
"Perverted? Thatís a big word for a six year old!"


Notes

(1) Sun County mercenaries often have Page Boys or Drummer Boys associated with the Regiments. These young men are customarily clean-shaven, leading to all kinds of accusations.

(2) Anyone who has fought trolls and in response to the Statement of Intent said "Split parry between the Great Trollís Maul and the Dark Trollís Mace, attack the other Dark Troll with my spear, I put my Defense against and my ally casts Demoralise on the other Dark Troll and I ignore the trollkin with the spear" only to be impaled in the abdomen by said trollkin (a depressingly regular occurrence in our campaign) will sympathise with this joke.

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